Jamie Lea’s Thoughts

I am writing this not because I want a certain someone to read it. Not because I want any one to read it, but simply because I feel better after I put things one here. I feel I get to release my thoughts, frustrations, concerns onto the people who read it. Sorry to you.

Sometimes I just want to do what I want to do.

This morning me and Momo (my bosses wife) were talking. She was saying how she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t get up and work out every morning even though she knows how great she feels after she does it and blah blah blah. She was asking me why. So I answered simply and said because you don’t want t o bad enough, or you are lazy. But that just wasn’t acceptable. Then she went on to say how that wasn’t okay. blah. blah. blah. I usually tune out at the point where people start to tell me why I need to be doing what they won’t do. Not because I am being stubborn (in this case) but because I have heard it one million times. and for me it is simple. I don’t want to do it. and sometimes I just want that to be okay.

I know I should have standards for myself. We all know I have standards for the people around me, but even with knowing that, I want to not do things sometimes. Is that normal? Because in my head I start to analyze and pick apart what is wrong with me for not wanting to do things. I compare myself to people who do what they want to do with no regard to the world. I don’t want to be like that. I just want to find a balance. What is that balance?

Why am I relying on the www to answer my questions instead of  running to the one who actually knows and will answer.

Here I come again. Full circle. Like always.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

?

Pax Vobiscum

jamie lea

When I was in Kenya I can honestly say that I experienced some of the most true wisdom I have ever heard. And not from some wise old sage, it was from a man that was only a few years older than I.

It was late one night and we had been up talking about all of the differences between the U.S. and Africa. He started asking me about myself, and asked when I decided to go to Kenya. I of course was super excited with my answer,

“I have been waiting three years for this trip, everyday I though about it, and every day I prayed that it would come faster.”

Of course I was just sure that his response would be how great that it, but instead a puzzled look came across his face and he the room got so quiet. I asked him,

“Jared, what is wrong?”

he just looked up at me with the most concerned eyes I had seen in a while and said,

“what did you miss along the way while waiting for this trip?”

I was taken back. Of course I began to ramble about how I didn’t miss things, I wasn’t THAT obsessed with this trip. And once I felt I had eased his concern it got eerily quiet again, and he simply said,

“Okay Jamie, Okay.”

At the time I felt quite satisfied with my justifications in my response, but recently I have been looking back on the whole scenario, and I am beginning to see the truth in it that I didn’t see before.

For three years no matter what happened good or bad, I always had the hope of “well I have to get through this, because I have to go to Kenya”

Now I am faced with the reality of it is over. I left off last week with the “now what?” feeling. Now I am slowly transitioning into getting started going somewhere, but every step feel like a mile.

It is wild because I feel as though I am doing a ton, and moving fast. But when I step back and take a look…i’m not.

Period. I am struggling to do anything. Or maybe it just feels that way because I am trying to be still. I want to feel God’s presence but to slow down and do that it proving to be quite a hard task.

Today my focus is going to be prayer. I miss God, I miss our words together. I want to feel that closeness again. I started last night, and I am going to continue on this journey until I freakin do it. Sheesh. It is so simple.

— On a side note, a few awesome things have happened. One being I got to spend some time with my old friend Teana, and I loved it. Two  I got to reminisce (it just took me 7 tries to spell that right) with some people last night and it was quite a good time.

I was told I was a people pleaser, or more so that I was trying to please people. I don’t want to be that way, but it is a lot easier to say, Yea I will go then say no and have to deal with all the crap that always follows when someone doesn’t get their way. Their intentions are good, but the fact that they can’t see past the tip of their nose makes it a little frustrating. O and the worst part is, I don’t even try to be real with them. I just blatently lie about what I want. Do they notice? Nope they got what they wanted, nothing matters now.

Okay I feel better now.

Peace & Love

jamie lea

The one standing up is Jared.

I have been reading a book.

It is called The Dream Giver.

The book is about a boy named Ordinary who wakes up one day with a feather, the feather represents his dream. He found his dream. And now he is faced with the choice to leave “familiar” (his home) and pursue his dream or stay comfortable. He goes for it. He is faced with border bullies, he has to travel through the wasteland, he finds sanctuary and the land of promise. All because he listened to “the dream giver” (God) and followed his words.

I am almost done with this book. I am now in the dream coach section. It is a great book. And I believe I am reading it for a reason.

For three years I had a dream. A goal. I was going to Kenya. I worked for it. I had to fight the “border bullies” to leave “familiar” and go.

I did it. I made it to Kenya. It was everything I thought it would be and more. God truly blessed that trip.

Now I am home.

Now what?

I achieved my goal right? Shouldn’t I feel satisfied? Shouldn’t everything just fall into place?

I have been home for almost one month now and the only thing I have felt since I have been back is uncertainty. About everything.

My relationship with God, my friendships, my time, my whole self. Nothing seems to be right anymore.

I am constantly questioning everything. I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF QUESTIONS!

“Jamie, what do you think about this? Jamie, Do you think that is what you should be doing? Jamie, are you sure about that? Jamie, are you ever satisfied? Jamie, what are you going to do with your life? Jamie? Jamie? JAMIE?!”

I AM DONE.

It is good to ask the tough questions. It is good to not know everything. It is healthy to wonder. But not now. All of the constant questions have brought me to a place of fear of reality. With no answers there is no truth. And the one truth I know is true in my heart is beginning to melt away because I can’t see the reality of what is standing in my way.

Myself.

I have a dream. I have a goal.

I am going to get out of my way.

I am tired of letting my insecurities get in my way. I am tired of letting “rules” keep me in a box. I am tired of letting disputable matters control my faith.

I am tired.

I am leaving the WasteLand that I have kept myself in, leaving spiritually and emotionally depleted. My relationship with God has been tested and damaged by distrust. I am in worse shape than I even realize. My spirit needs time away for comfort, restoration, and transformation. I want to meet with God to be renewed and make some decisions that will radically affect the rest of my journey.

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.

Psalm 23

“Like David, I wanna be a man after God’s own heart. And I’m not there yet, but I’m past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that’s my vision. I want to be loved and have love and give love.”

-Bradley Hathaway

I don’t even really know why I am trying to write anything. There is nothing I can say about anything I am really going through. Unless I decided to make this a private blog, but what would be the point in that.

So I will just stay…

Surface.

I won’t get into the meat of it all. Not now. Not yet.

Job- I miss people. On an average work day I see 2 minimum. maximum 7 people. I am going crazy. No joke. Everyday I dream about where I could be. I look at internships, good jobs, bad jobs. ANYTHING. Anything at all, as long as there are people. I am trying to out weigh the juice and the squeeze on this one.

Friends- It is weird. Last summer I could’ve hung out in a parking lot for hours every night. This summer, not so much. I can not decide if it is the people, the boringness, or both that make it so unappealing but it just is.

Family- Not really sure.

Church- Church is great, I love being there more and more every time. I love learning about tech stuff. I love the people who do tech stuff. They are amazing and I feel like they care about me. Cake, I love cake. I love our YA girls life group. I love love love them. Just so much. I love so many new people that I never thought I would be close to. And that makes every hurt, frustration, exhaustion worth it.

God- I just don’t even know anymore.

I leave for Mexico in 12 days. I leave for Kenya in like 20.

I am getting nervous.

That is all I can say. For now at least.

Peace & Love

Jamie lea

I hate feeling this way,
like I’m captive of my ownself.
Like I can’t find a way out
of this depressing place,
and all I want to do is cry.
But I don’t because I have
to be strong for those
around me so that they can’t
see how hurt I really am.
So I smile act like
nothings wrong, pretending
to be happy when I know
that on the inside I feel so much hurt.
It’s like I’m not really
alive anymore, I’m just here
trying to make people think that I’m fine.
It’s because of you that
I am the way that I am,
and I hate you for that.
Tell me how to fix me.

I first read this poem in 6th grade. It has always stuck with me. I have been feeling weird lately. Not quite sure what it is yet. I want to be done with it.

I can never be done.

Yesterday while I was driving around running some errands I started to get this odd feeling. It was almost like a reflective nostalgic feeling.

It was so strong that I started to tear up because I was remembering something that I didn’t even realize. After pondering over what in the world would make me feel this way I think I came to the conclusion.

I miss being a kid.

I am sitting there, in my car, with the windows down and music up; driving around getting things done for work, not to mention I have a great job, that is easy and pays well for my age. And I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on something. That I have forgotten what life is all about or even worse life has forgotten me.

Ever since I graduated high school there is only one question that ever gets asked of me when spotted by an old friend or family member, “what are you doing these days?” This question is usually answered with the normal,” O you know, just working, taking a class at my church, church, church, church, hanging out with friends, the norm. How about you?” And that is usually the extent to this conversation.

That is where I must stop, because the thought of the things I listed being what I am doing these days are driving me insane.

You might be wondering why, so let me explain.

My whole life (when I say whole I mean from age 7 and up) I have wanted to change the world. I am all about “being the change” and making a difference in everyday life. I am not about to go on a rant about how I don’t do anything at all because that is not the case at all. I do quite a bit of stuff for people, I serve when I don’t want to, and I sometimes do the dirty work. It is not a lack of integrity in the life I live. No, it is just not that extreme. It is actually quite simple really.

I have always been good at doing the big stuff, I can go on mission trips all over, I will wash feet if needed, I will wake up early to clean a toilet, but it is the simple things I can’t seem to do.

I have never been a good listener. Well I can listen fine when I want to, but selective hearing is not what ministry is.

I have never been a follower. So when someone is in control and I am not I get a little uneasy. Ministry is not a one man show.

This is not something that is new to me, I have been made aware of my need to be in control many times. The reason it seems to be overflowing in my heart right now is because of this nostalgic feeling coming out of me.

When we are kids the little things are all that matter. The most important things to us are making sure our parents packed a snack pack in our lunch, getting to play on the play ground, making sure we know the difference between b’s and d’s. We could care less that gas prices were rising, there is a genocide happening in Africa, our world will be covered in garbage someday. We only could see what was right in front of us. We didn’t worry about a week from now, a day from now, or even an hour from now. We kept it simple, and I think that is the point God is trying to speak into my heart this week.

Matthew 6:25-40

²⁵“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? ²⁶Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[a]?

²⁸“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³²For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

I am sure we have all heard that one million times, but this time let’s do it. Let’s be like kids. Let’s keep it simple, and try to remember that every step we take is a gift from God, so don’t waste it going the wrong direction.

I am starting today.

Peace & Love

jamie lea

(Paige would never let me drive, it really made me sad.)

The setting that I am currently in:

My room is dim lit by my lamp and the TV. It is so cold in my house. My doors is cracked open, and it totally shouldn’t be. I should be asleep. The TV has two basically naked girls wrestling on it. I am totally grossed out by that. Ew, WWE. My computer is making my legs hot.

Well, this has been a great weekend.

Let me just start with some great news to anyone who has ever had to go up the Sites family driveway.

IT IS GETTING PAVED!!! YAYAY!!!

I am stoked about that.

Now for the bad news…The Sites faimly is on vacation right now and Christin is super sick. She is in the ER in Florida, please be praying for whatever is wrong with her. They are running test and that stuff now. I will keep things updated on how she is.

Friday continued…

Cameron called me and we had a spur of the moment disc golf game.

Lets just put it this way…I totally dominated him.

Okay so that is not quite the truth…at all.

He scored like three under and I was like three over. But hey! It was the first game since last summer so I think that is not too bad!

Then we went to journeys to look at a pair of shoes that I wanted, then I realized that I can’t spend money right now because I have to go to Mexico, so I didn’t get shoes.

Then Cam’s friends came in town from college. We went to Fugi. Then went to Opryland Hotel to hangout. Then we climbed up the old Grizzly River Rampage rocks, and had fun with that for a while. Then I went home.

Then! I woke up Saturday and helped Robert and Tracey move in to their new apartment. That of course was a ton of fun because that stuff is always fun with fun people! Then I was supposed to go o my aunts house to do yard work or something, but my mom didn’t answer her phone and I didn’t know how to get there, so I went to Jenn’s instead.

Then we had a CAKE staff meeting. I always feel so accomplished after our meetings.

Then a few of us hung around at Jenn’s and basically I just sat back and listened while they talked about their wild and crazy kids.

I don’t want kids anymore. Well I do. But I am seriously terrified at the thought. Terrified and excited.

Then it was Sunday. The author of the book QBQ: Question Behind the Question came to speak at church and teach at the call. and he was so ooo oooooo great. It is a great book first of all, and second of all it opened my eyes. I won’t go into that yet though. Next time.

Sunday night was my first time running the switcher (the thing that controls all of the cameras during the service) I was scared. Seriously, I haven’t been that nervous in a LOOOONG time. It was okay though, only a few mess ups. I love doing tech stuff. I love the people that help with it too. They are amazing and I never realized how much they do for the church. I respect that in them.

Cake small groups was great as usual. We have two kind of three girls to our group. I just love those girls. All of them. They keep me going.

Then I went to the park to play ultimate frisbee. I didn’t actually play because it turns out that a few gals that I haven’t seen in a while were there. So we caught up on life. and it was good.

I love summer. I am so glad that it is finally here.

Now it is time to watch some SVU then go to bed. I have a doctors appointment in the morning! I love the doctors office!!

Well goodnight all

Peace  & Love

So here are some random thoughts that I have had recently.

Boys- I just started to think about them again recently, I kind of turned off the boy part in my heart after the dumbness of feb/march. I didn’t like boys as people, friends, boyfriends. NOTHING. I think I am starting to feel again though.

Wow that sounds dramatic. But what I am saying is my heart is back on the radar.

There is nothing to get too super excited about though. There are just no boys around here that are up to my standards. Maybe one or two…no just one. But he is probably too good for me. Whatever though, I am done caring, I am ready to just let things happen how they happen.

Last thought about boys- I know why there are none. They are all married or too young. Just sayin.

- What if my future husband is reading my blog and something I say totally ruins everything?

Maybe that is just crazy to think about, but what if?

I have a fear…

Sometimes when I am sitting in church, instead of paying attention, or really giving everything up in worship, I let myself doubt. I don’t really doubt to the point of doubting, I just get concerned with the thought of “what if this isn’t right, and I am wasting my time learning when I could be helping people.”

I just wonder. Too much lately.

I have not been spending as much time with God as I would like to.

I have this theory about myself. I have an addiction to being busy. I want to keep this addiction because it give me excuses to not do things that I don’t want to do. Like spending time with God. I am just busy planning things, and working, and building relationships. Although those are all true, they are totally just excuses. I think I am ready to let go of that addiction.

Yup…there it goes.

Relative truth. That is all I can say about that right now.

I saw trees for the first time last week. I know. That sounds crazy. But this is the thing…

I like the sky a lot, and up until last week I only saw trees as something that gets in the way of beautiful sunrises and sunsets.

Not now though. Nope. I saw one tree. Then they all just appeared.

Amazing really. It took 19 years.

–I want people to have jobs.

I have talked to so many people recently and hear that they are fully qualified to do many jobs, but for whatever reason can’t get any! And it makes me mad/sad. I just want people who deserve jobs to have jobs. Seems simple enough. I guess I will use my 11:11 wishes for them.

I wish I was tired. I have to be at work in 6 hours. Dumb. Who needs sleep anyways right?

I can’t wait to play disc golf soon. I haven’t played since last summer other than a few games of urban disc golf here and there.

This blog is totally about me. Almost every sentence starts with I.

Weird. I guess I become extremely self centered at 1:44 in the morning!

Well goodnight. I am giving in to heavy eyelids.

Peace & Love

Jamie Lea

Picture this, you are laying in the ocean just relaxing after a hard days work, the sun is warming your entire body as the waves splash and put you into a deep sleep.

sleep.

sleep.

sleep.

THEN. You wake up and you realize that you have drifted miles out from the shore and you are stranded in the ocean to fend for yourself. As you begin to have a hard time staying afloat you start to regret ever letting your guard down, and falling asleep in the vastness of the deep blue.

That is what I think happens to people. We get to a place in our lives when we feel deeply connected to God and while we feel our best and let down all of our guards we slowly begin to drift. and drift. and drift. Until we are so far away that it seems impossible to find a way back to “the shore.” We find ourselves stuck in a ditch or in this case “the deep blue” and it is now, and only now, that we can look back and analyze where we were, how far we have come, and how in the world we got to this place.

It doesn’t seem logical to let our lives get to such a stranded place, yet we do it over and over again.

Are we hitting snooze on the internal alarm clock that is set to wake us up before we are too far gone?

I really wish that I had an answer to this. I feel like it could be easily answered, but for me to answer it would just be repetitive to myself. So I want to hear what others think. How can a person avoid these “distant” times from God?

——

I am for sure going to Mexico now! I paid for my plane tickets today! Please be praying for no more outbreaks of random diseases so that the trip does not get cancelled. To save money I skipped out on the ticket insurance, so I am praying that God will honor my frugalness and not let any complications happen!

My last payment for Kenya is coming up soon!!!! I mean, it is really happening. Really. I am super excited.

Life is going great right now. I had a great conversation tonight. I love great conversations.

Well I guess that is all for now.

Peace  & Love

Jamie Lea