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Well, yesterday was a good/weird/scary/sad day. Alissa described the way I left best when she said that “she felt like she had butterflies in her stomach, but the butterflies were more like bats.” I didn’t start packing until 10pm on the night before I left. That was a bad decision, because it kept me up until 5 packing. I was exhausted, but it was worth it to have a wonderful last night with my best friends. I got to the airport around 7:55 and had a short panic attack when the check in lady told me flights were going to be messed up because of the weather in Chicago. That was only for a second though, because the actually were able to bump me onto a later flight so I got to skip chicago and go straight to Houston. I left Houston around 7:25 and arrive in Guatemala around 11. I met a very nice man whose name is Orlando, we got to talking and that was good because it distracted me from how much I am going to miss my friends and family.
Saying goodbye. That is the weirdest thing I have ever done. I have never had to say goodbye before. Not like this at least. I had to say goodbye to Christin when she went to do YWAM, but I could at least go home to my own bed to cry. This time it was me saying goodbye to everything I have ever know. God has sent me on a mission to come to Casa and love on some kids for a year, and that is exactly what I am going to do.
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I haven’t blogged in so long. I looked at my last post and not a lot has changed since then. But even though not much has change, i feel so different than i did 6 months ago. Last night at church jenn talk reminisced about her life. Which of course got my mind on that same track i feel like ever since it was brought up i have not been able to drop those feelings. I feel funky. It is a feeling i haven’t felt before. She also talked about what are things that she has lost over the years in relationship with God. I had a conversation last night with someone that made me realize something about myself.
I am a tell it all person. I rely on my brutal honesty and bluntness to make me who I am. That being said, i have really been trying to hold my tounge lately when it comes to people. I always feel the need to be the person who holds everyone accountable. But i have noticed a change in myself. And right now i dont like it. I have held back so much from what i feel like i should have said that i feel like i am about to explode and i dont know how to deal with it anymore. These are a few examples of things i wish i could have said to people
-you’re an idiot
-you don’t have a job because you have only applied to two places
-it bothers me that you aren’t going to Guatemala with every one in march. A lot.
-i miss you
-sorry i am not as excited as you.
-thank you
- i love you
-I wish i didnt like the you that did drugs more than the one who didn’t.
Just a few examples. So much more. I feel a little better that I at least
Filed under: Life
I had a dream about a week ago.
In the dream Jeremy and I were at work and there were these mountain lions that were chasing us around the office, and for some reason the only guns that Jimmy (my boss the professional hunter) had were pellet guns! So we tried shooting them but that just made them mad. Eventually this guy Chris showed up and saved the day with some kind of medicine that killed them. But then he got arrested because he killed them and it was illegal. After that there were tons of people trying to leave the office because watching us try to escape had turned into a show. I got trampled by everyone on the ramp, and while I was on the ground I found these two feathers. One was red and it was a pretty typical feather, but the other was beautiful! it was sea foam green and I loved it more than anything. It was the feather I had been looking for my whole life. (I kind of have this appreciation for feathers in real life because of the book the dream giver) So I picked up both of the feathers put the red one in my pocket and braided the sea foam green one into my hair. I got up and was walking onward. and said okay, time to go to Guatemala. Then my alarm went off at 3:30 to head to the airport.
I honestly didn’t think about that dream again until last Thursday night.
Adam Clemmons was giving his testimony. In his testimony he talks about how at one point in his life God was asking him to bless the food before a girls volleyball team he helped with. He was slightly embarrassed but did it any way because God wanted him to. That night when I was in bed reading my book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I felt like I needed to give the book to this guy Chris that works at Casa Paraninos. Now you have to know this about me, I am not a good listener when it comes to God. I tend to think that my plans are the right plans. Not his. But at that moment I knew I needed to give that book to Chris. I don’t know Chris on any level past the level of hanging out in the morning when he walked his dog Bella (my new best friend) so I prepared myself for a potentially awkward situation.
“Hey Chris, I don’t really know you but I think I am supposed to give you this book” (yea, sounds weird to me too)
I kind of put it off till the last minute, but I figured a good time to give it to him would be when I gave back this cord he let me borrow. So I went to get the cord and I grabbed the book too. I came back and gave him the cord…but not the book. I totally wimped out. I wimped out on God. But luckily my God is not a God that I have control over.
The book sat there for probably 30 minutes while we all just hung out on Pastor Dave’s front porch. Then I noticed Chris was trying to read the title. He asked about it and there was the opportunity. So I gave him the book. God prevails again.
That is not the weird part. That is just an example of how God is working in my life.
Here is the kicker.
Sunday morning I was back home and getting ready for church. I got on facebook because I wanted to change my about me to “I want to live a good story” (the donald miller book is about living a good story, one with meaning that is worth telling) So I changed it then started getting ready then I got back on because Mary sent me a message. blah blah blah. I started to check my notifications. and I had one that said Chris had accepted my friend request. I thought “cool I will go tell him it was good to meet him..” and blah di blah blah. So I went to his page and saw in his about me that it says “Trying to live a story worth telling”
OKAY. So maybe I am just crazy. But I find it odd that I felt like God wanted me to give Chris who is “Trying to live a story worth telling” a book that is about how to live a story worth telling. I don’t know. Maybe it is just a coincidence. I just love it when things come full circle.
My next thought, this is where the dream comes into play. Friday night I went to bed with a familiar feeling. The feeling of leaving home. A brokenness that can only be mended by being where home is. But it wasn’t home as in TN that I was missing. I was missing Casa before I had even left.
Every year when I leave and go home it is always sad, and has gotten worse every time. This time it seems like too much to live with. Too much brokenness. I want to be there. I need to be there. With the kids. Serving. Being.
Last night I was talking to Chris and he said it best when he said that it felt like his heart broke every time he left and got worse every time until it hurt too much, so he just decided he would stay.
When I was on my way home from the airport I was praying to God, asking him to make sense of what I was feeling, and praying that I find peace in my heart about everything. Then I saw a church message board that said “In Gods will is our peace”
He is talking to me loud and clear, and I am listening.
I want to go start making plans to go back and visit with the rest of the girls in October, but I am sure that is not only what God wants for me. I have to try and see the bigger picture. Try to see what God is seeing for me. Right now I am sure that I am going back to Casa. What I am unsure of is when I will come back here.
In my dream the red feather was good. It was a typical feather that I would love to have on any day. But when I saw it beside the sea foam green feather, there was no comparison as to which I would rather have.
I feel like this is God saying to me ” Jamie, either “feather” you choose will be good, and I will use you with either one; but only one is what you have been searching for.”
I have found my feather.
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I am writing this not because I want a certain someone to read it. Not because I want any one to read it, but simply because I feel better after I put things one here. I feel I get to release my thoughts, frustrations, concerns onto the people who read it. Sorry to you.
Sometimes I just want to do what I want to do.
This morning me and Momo (my bosses wife) were talking. She was saying how she doesn’t understand why she doesn’t get up and work out every morning even though she knows how great she feels after she does it and blah blah blah. She was asking me why. So I answered simply and said because you don’t want t o bad enough, or you are lazy. But that just wasn’t acceptable. Then she went on to say how that wasn’t okay. blah. blah. blah. I usually tune out at the point where people start to tell me why I need to be doing what they won’t do. Not because I am being stubborn (in this case) but because I have heard it one million times. and for me it is simple. I don’t want to do it. and sometimes I just want that to be okay.
I know I should have standards for myself. We all know I have standards for the people around me, but even with knowing that, I want to not do things sometimes. Is that normal? Because in my head I start to analyze and pick apart what is wrong with me for not wanting to do things. I compare myself to people who do what they want to do with no regard to the world. I don’t want to be like that. I just want to find a balance. What is that balance?
Why am I relying on the www to answer my questions instead of running to the one who actually knows and will answer.
Here I come again. Full circle. Like always.
What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.
?
Pax Vobiscum
jamie lea
Filed under: Uncategorized
When I was in Kenya I can honestly say that I experienced some of the most true wisdom I have ever heard. And not from some wise old sage, it was from a man that was only a few years older than I.
It was late one night and we had been up talking about all of the differences between the U.S. and Africa. He started asking me about myself, and asked when I decided to go to Kenya. I of course was super excited with my answer,
“I have been waiting three years for this trip, everyday I though about it, and every day I prayed that it would come faster.”
Of course I was just sure that his response would be how great that it, but instead a puzzled look came across his face and he the room got so quiet. I asked him,
“Jared, what is wrong?”
he just looked up at me with the most concerned eyes I had seen in a while and said,
“what did you miss along the way while waiting for this trip?”
I was taken back. Of course I began to ramble about how I didn’t miss things, I wasn’t THAT obsessed with this trip. And once I felt I had eased his concern it got eerily quiet again, and he simply said,
“Okay Jamie, Okay.”
At the time I felt quite satisfied with my justifications in my response, but recently I have been looking back on the whole scenario, and I am beginning to see the truth in it that I didn’t see before.
For three years no matter what happened good or bad, I always had the hope of “well I have to get through this, because I have to go to Kenya”
Now I am faced with the reality of it is over. I left off last week with the “now what?” feeling. Now I am slowly transitioning into getting started going somewhere, but every step feel like a mile.
It is wild because I feel as though I am doing a ton, and moving fast. But when I step back and take a look…i’m not.
Period. I am struggling to do anything. Or maybe it just feels that way because I am trying to be still. I want to feel God’s presence but to slow down and do that it proving to be quite a hard task.
Today my focus is going to be prayer. I miss God, I miss our words together. I want to feel that closeness again. I started last night, and I am going to continue on this journey until I freakin do it. Sheesh. It is so simple.
— On a side note, a few awesome things have happened. One being I got to spend some time with my old friend Teana, and I loved it. Two I got to reminisce (it just took me 7 tries to spell that right) with some people last night and it was quite a good time.
I was told I was a people pleaser, or more so that I was trying to please people. I don’t want to be that way, but it is a lot easier to say, Yea I will go then say no and have to deal with all the crap that always follows when someone doesn’t get their way. Their intentions are good, but the fact that they can’t see past the tip of their nose makes it a little frustrating. O and the worst part is, I don’t even try to be real with them. I just blatently lie about what I want. Do they notice? Nope they got what they wanted, nothing matters now.
Okay I feel better now.
Peace & Love
jamie lea
The one standing up is Jared.
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I have been reading a book.
It is called The Dream Giver.
The book is about a boy named Ordinary who wakes up one day with a feather, the feather represents his dream. He found his dream. And now he is faced with the choice to leave “familiar” (his home) and pursue his dream or stay comfortable. He goes for it. He is faced with border bullies, he has to travel through the wasteland, he finds sanctuary and the land of promise. All because he listened to “the dream giver” (God) and followed his words.
I am almost done with this book. I am now in the dream coach section. It is a great book. And I believe I am reading it for a reason.
For three years I had a dream. A goal. I was going to Kenya. I worked for it. I had to fight the “border bullies” to leave “familiar” and go.
I did it. I made it to Kenya. It was everything I thought it would be and more. God truly blessed that trip.
Now I am home.
Now what?
I achieved my goal right? Shouldn’t I feel satisfied? Shouldn’t everything just fall into place?
I have been home for almost one month now and the only thing I have felt since I have been back is uncertainty. About everything.
My relationship with God, my friendships, my time, my whole self. Nothing seems to be right anymore.
I am constantly questioning everything. I AM SO FREAKING SICK OF QUESTIONS!
“Jamie, what do you think about this? Jamie, Do you think that is what you should be doing? Jamie, are you sure about that? Jamie, are you ever satisfied? Jamie, what are you going to do with your life? Jamie? Jamie? JAMIE?!”
I AM DONE.
It is good to ask the tough questions. It is good to not know everything. It is healthy to wonder. But not now. All of the constant questions have brought me to a place of fear of reality. With no answers there is no truth. And the one truth I know is true in my heart is beginning to melt away because I can’t see the reality of what is standing in my way.
Myself.
I have a dream. I have a goal.
I am going to get out of my way.
I am tired of letting my insecurities get in my way. I am tired of letting “rules” keep me in a box. I am tired of letting disputable matters control my faith.
I am tired.
I am leaving the WasteLand that I have kept myself in, leaving spiritually and emotionally depleted. My relationship with God has been tested and damaged by distrust. I am in worse shape than I even realize. My spirit needs time away for comfort, restoration, and transformation. I want to meet with God to be renewed and make some decisions that will radically affect the rest of my journey.
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not want;
He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the
Lord forever.
Psalm 23
“Like David, I wanna be a man after God’s own heart. And I’m not there yet, but I’m past the start. And when people talk, I try to listen. A spirit of compassion, that’s my vision. I want to be loved and have love and give love.”
-Bradley Hathaway
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I don’t even really know why I am trying to write anything. There is nothing I can say about anything I am really going through. Unless I decided to make this a private blog, but what would be the point in that.
So I will just stay…
Surface.
I won’t get into the meat of it all. Not now. Not yet.
Job- I miss people. On an average work day I see 2 minimum. maximum 7 people. I am going crazy. No joke. Everyday I dream about where I could be. I look at internships, good jobs, bad jobs. ANYTHING. Anything at all, as long as there are people. I am trying to out weigh the juice and the squeeze on this one.
Friends- It is weird. Last summer I could’ve hung out in a parking lot for hours every night. This summer, not so much. I can not decide if it is the people, the boringness, or both that make it so unappealing but it just is.
Family- Not really sure.
Church- Church is great, I love being there more and more every time. I love learning about tech stuff. I love the people who do tech stuff. They are amazing and I feel like they care about me. Cake, I love cake. I love our YA girls life group. I love love love them. Just so much. I love so many new people that I never thought I would be close to. And that makes every hurt, frustration, exhaustion worth it.
God- I just don’t even know anymore.
I leave for Mexico in 12 days. I leave for Kenya in like 20.
I am getting nervous.
That is all I can say. For now at least.
Peace & Love
Jamie lea
Filed under: Uncategorized
I hate feeling this way,
like I’m captive of my ownself.
Like I can’t find a way out
of this depressing place,
and all I want to do is cry.
But I don’t because I have
to be strong for those
around me so that they can’t
see how hurt I really am.
So I smile act like
nothings wrong, pretending
to be happy when I know
that on the inside I feel so much hurt.
It’s like I’m not really
alive anymore, I’m just here
trying to make people think that I’m fine.
It’s because of you that
I am the way that I am,
and I hate you for that.
Tell me how to fix me.
I first read this poem in 6th grade. It has always stuck with me. I have been feeling weird lately. Not quite sure what it is yet. I want to be done with it.
I can never be done.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Yesterday while I was driving around running some errands I started to get this odd feeling. It was almost like a reflective nostalgic feeling.
It was so strong that I started to tear up because I was remembering something that I didn’t even realize. After pondering over what in the world would make me feel this way I think I came to the conclusion.
I miss being a kid.
I am sitting there, in my car, with the windows down and music up; driving around getting things done for work, not to mention I have a great job, that is easy and pays well for my age. And I still have this overwhelming feeling that I am missing out on something. That I have forgotten what life is all about or even worse life has forgotten me.
Ever since I graduated high school there is only one question that ever gets asked of me when spotted by an old friend or family member, “what are you doing these days?” This question is usually answered with the normal,” O you know, just working, taking a class at my church, church, church, church, hanging out with friends, the norm. How about you?” And that is usually the extent to this conversation.
That is where I must stop, because the thought of the things I listed being what I am doing these days are driving me insane.
You might be wondering why, so let me explain.
My whole life (when I say whole I mean from age 7 and up) I have wanted to change the world. I am all about “being the change” and making a difference in everyday life. I am not about to go on a rant about how I don’t do anything at all because that is not the case at all. I do quite a bit of stuff for people, I serve when I don’t want to, and I sometimes do the dirty work. It is not a lack of integrity in the life I live. No, it is just not that extreme. It is actually quite simple really.
I have always been good at doing the big stuff, I can go on mission trips all over, I will wash feet if needed, I will wake up early to clean a toilet, but it is the simple things I can’t seem to do.
I have never been a good listener. Well I can listen fine when I want to, but selective hearing is not what ministry is.
I have never been a follower. So when someone is in control and I am not I get a little uneasy. Ministry is not a one man show.
This is not something that is new to me, I have been made aware of my need to be in control many times. The reason it seems to be overflowing in my heart right now is because of this nostalgic feeling coming out of me.
When we are kids the little things are all that matter. The most important things to us are making sure our parents packed a snack pack in our lunch, getting to play on the play ground, making sure we know the difference between b’s and d’s. We could care less that gas prices were rising, there is a genocide happening in Africa, our world will be covered in garbage someday. We only could see what was right in front of us. We didn’t worry about a week from now, a day from now, or even an hour from now. We kept it simple, and I think that is the point God is trying to speak into my heart this week.
Matthew 6:25-40
25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life[a]?
28“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I am sure we have all heard that one million times, but this time let’s do it. Let’s be like kids. Let’s keep it simple, and try to remember that every step we take is a gift from God, so don’t waste it going the wrong direction.
I am starting today.
Peace & Love
jamie lea
(Paige would never let me drive, it really made me sad.)
