Jamie Lea’s Thoughts

I had a dream about a week ago.

In the dream Jeremy and I were at work and there were these mountain lions that were chasing us around the office, and for some reason the only guns that Jimmy (my boss the professional hunter) had were pellet guns! So we tried shooting them but that just made them mad. Eventually this guy Chris showed up and saved the day with some kind of medicine that killed them. But then he got arrested because he killed them and it was illegal. After that there were tons of people trying to leave the office because watching us try to escape had turned into a show. I got trampled by everyone on the  ramp, and while I was on the ground I found these two feathers. One was red and it was a pretty typical feather, but  the other was beautiful! it was sea foam green and I loved it more than anything. It was the feather I had been looking for my whole life. (I kind of have this appreciation for feathers in real life because of the book the dream giver) So I picked up both of the feathers put the red one in my pocket and braided the sea foam green one into my hair. I got up and was walking onward. and said okay, time to go to Guatemala. Then my alarm went off at 3:30 to head to the airport.

I honestly didn’t think about that dream again until last Thursday night.

Adam Clemmons was giving his testimony. In his testimony he talks about how at one point in his life God was asking him to bless the food before a girls volleyball team he helped with. He was slightly embarrassed but did it any way because God wanted him to. That night when I was in bed reading my book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I felt like I needed to give the book to this guy Chris that works at Casa Paraninos. Now you have to know this about me, I am not a good listener when it comes to God. I tend to think that my plans are the right plans. Not his. But at that moment I knew I needed to give that book to Chris. I don’t know Chris on any level past the level of hanging out in the morning when he walked his dog Bella (my new best friend) so I prepared myself for a potentially awkward situation.

“Hey Chris, I don’t really know you but I think I am supposed to give you this book” (yea, sounds weird to me too)

I kind of put it off till the last minute, but I figured a good time to give it to him would be when I gave back this cord he let me borrow. So I went to get the cord and I grabbed the book too. I came back and gave him the cord…but not the book. I totally wimped out. I wimped out on God. But luckily my God is not a God that I have control over.

The book sat there for probably 30 minutes while we all just hung out on Pastor Dave’s front porch. Then I noticed Chris was trying to read the title. He asked about it and there was the opportunity. So I gave him the book. God prevails again.

That is not the weird part. That is just an example of how God is working in my life.

Here is the kicker.

Sunday morning I was back home and getting ready for church. I got on facebook because I wanted to change my about me to “I want to live a good story” (the donald miller book is about living a good story, one with meaning that is worth telling) So I changed it then started getting ready then I got back on because Mary sent me a message. blah blah blah. I started to check my notifications. and I had one that said Chris had accepted my friend request. I thought “cool I will go tell him it was good to meet him..” and blah di blah blah. So I went  to his page and saw in his about me that it says “Trying to live a story worth telling”

OKAY. So maybe I am just crazy. But I find it odd that I felt like God wanted me to give Chris who is “Trying to live a story worth telling” a book that is about how to live a story worth telling. I don’t know. Maybe it is just a coincidence. I just love it when things come full circle.

My next thought, this is where the dream comes into play. Friday night I went to bed with a familiar feeling. The feeling of leaving home. A brokenness that can only be mended by being where home is. But it wasn’t home as in TN that I was missing. I was missing Casa before I had even left.

Every year when I leave and go home it is always sad, and has gotten worse every time. This time it seems like too much to live with. Too much brokenness. I want to be there. I need to be there. With the kids. Serving. Being.

Last night I was talking to Chris and he said it best when he said that it felt like his heart broke every time he left and got worse every time until it hurt too much, so he just decided he would stay.

When I was on my way home from the airport I was praying to God, asking him to make sense of what I was feeling, and praying that I find peace in my heart about everything. Then I saw a church message board that said “In Gods will is our peace”

He is talking to me loud and clear, and I am listening.

I want to go start making plans to go back and visit with the rest of the girls in October, but I am sure that is not only what God wants for me. I have to try and see the bigger picture. Try to see what God is seeing for me. Right now I am sure that I am going back to Casa. What I am unsure of is when I will come back here.

In my dream the red feather was good. It was a typical feather that I would love to have on any day. But when I saw it beside the sea foam green feather, there was no comparison as to which I would rather have.

I feel like this is God saying to me ” Jamie, either “feather” you choose will be good, and I will use you with either one; but only one is what you have been searching for.”

I have found my feather.

Today I opened my eyes.

The weather has been odd here lately. This morning while I was heading out to my car for work, there was mist in the air. Not fog. But Mist. Normally I would find that to be something quite annoying and just see it as something that was going to mess my hair up. 

Not this morning though. I stopped mid drive way and just looked into my yard. Into the distance, what they call yonder. It was beautiful, the sky was starting to open up so the mist in the air looked like tiny tiny glass beads. Some how I was able to look long enough that I think I could see what was inside of the droplets of water. 

Wait. Then reality hit. I was running late for work. So I stopped the commotion around me pushed my way through the mist and got into my car. Immediately when my car came on, a song began to play :

So open up your morning light

And say a little prayer for I

You know that if we are to stay alive

And see the peace in every eye

And as I drove I said a prayer that today I would just stop being in hurry, and just see what was all around me. And until about one I did just that.

When I got to work I saw how the glass marble water droplets had formed perfect water mounds on the leaves and flowers. As I stood outside taking pictures of everything beautiful, water began to cover my fleece pullover. And you know what? On any other day that feeling of wet fleece would really bother me, but not today. I just saw the water for what it was. beautiful. 

Bluegrass music bring people together. I don’t believe that anyone can argue that. It is near impossible to not tap your feel, snap your fingers, or gain a little bounce in your step when the redemptive music starts playing. Although the music is upbeat and lively I think there is more to it. Because when a group of people are singing gospel melodies with a joyful sound it is not the beats they are singing. Because when the music stops playing people keep singing.

Isn’t it crazy that the base of bluegrass music tends to be gospel lyrics. So gospel music to a bluegrass beat brings people together. 

Crazy how that is what being a Christian is all about, bringing people together. 

Bluegrass is awesome. Bluegrass is real. Bluegrass.

Coming home tonight I had an eerie feeling all the way from my car to the door, I felt as if the fog was creeping around me about to swallow me. It is so bright outside, so there are more shadows to freak me out.

I have been seeing this black cat for the past while coming home late at night. And I saw it again tonight. But it disappeared as it walked away from the road. 

Just sayin.

Peace & Love

I have been having some thoughts lately. A few different scenerios have come about and I am just left more confused than ever.

My question is where is the line between judging someone and keeping someone accountable?

Okay, I know that this is a question that holds no final answer, but a broad on will do. I am a firm believer in sticking to your standards.

I will use myself as an example as to not offend anyone- Some standards I have in a guy are: no smoking. period. be able to help me grow in my faith. no getting drunk. no sex. be running the same gen direction

So that is a few of the many (I have high standards. not sorry) Here is the hard part. When a guy doesn’t meet those standards for me, and I say sorry can’t do it, then they say I am judging them, I really don’t get that. This is the same thing as a guy wanting a girl with a big butt, or blonde hair, the same thing as a dance club owner wanting a hot girl dancer, a pastor wanting good leadership! 

It is not judging! It is just a standard.

Here is another part to throw into the scenerio. What if the guy is trying to be those things, but isn’t quite there?

I would say just wait. If he really likes me, and I really like him, we can be patient.

If I am the only person who can see a change in him, if I am the only person who can see him spiritual fruits, if I am the only one to notice a difference, then there is obviously something wrong. 

Is that bad though. To stick to my standards? is it bad to want the best for myself, and actually follow through with that? Is it bad to set that example for people that look up to me?

If you think so…you are just judging me.

In my experience I have never heard someone use the word judge unless they are being deffensive. Never. So maybe the person who says it is just trying to make a excuse so the don’t have to maybe look at themselves and change something. 

I guess it is just hard for me to put myself in their shoes. One thing I do know is that I am one person. So even if I do make a mistake that doesn’t mean my church sucks, it doesn’t mean the ministry sucks, it doesn’t mean everyone around me sucks. So be realistic about your issues with people.

I am just so confused.

But then again, maybe me saying I am confused is just a way for me to deny the truth.

gnight

Okay. SO I know that I talk about him a lot, and it may even seem that I don’t have any other family. I swear I do. It’s just. Well. He is awesome. I have never been able to say that I really looked up to my brother as someone I wanted to be like, but now I feel that within reason, I can finally say that. 

I am so proud of him. He wants to please God and truly go after God’s will for him. And he is doing it. With no hesitation and no fear.

That is a quality I wish I had. 

No fear.

I think too much about everything that I do. I know that it is good to use wisdom to make decisions but honestly I think I try too hard to make the right decisions and it could be holding me back from making mistakes but I might also miss out on awesome opportunities because I thought about it too much.

My main fear.

Never being good enough. Somewhere along my lifetime time I got the impression that I needed to be perfect. Because of having that thought I feel like I will never be good enough at anything.

My job- I never take notes correctly, I never do things on time, I don’t keep up with the database good enough. 

With boys- I will never be pretty enough (partly my fault), I will never be romantic, I will never be good at communicating because I never saw it growing up, I will never be the one for a guy.

School- I will never be good at math, I will never appreciate school, I will never make good enough grades.

Church- I don’t volunteer enough, I don’t meet enough people, I don’t invite people, I don’t sacrifice enough.

My friends- I will always be the mean one, I will always be the third wheel, I am never fun enough.

Me- No matter what I do in anything, it won’t be good enough for anyone, especially myself.

Where do these thoughts come from? I think partly from my past, my family, how I was raised. I think my Dad could be classified as a perfectionist, my step dad as well. I am sure I get that from them. 

But riddle me this. Why? After having a relationship with, and being loved by God, am I not satisfied with anything? 

Why will I not let my guard down and let him have all my fears, worries, and doubts? 

Is there something wrong with me?

I am ready to let go. For real this time. But I don’t know how.

Help.

Okay, so of course I am starting to look at life in this deep meaningful way these past weeks. Mainly because I am starting to realize that world around me is moving so fast. 

A long time ago when I was 6 years old I was getting ready to go to school. Of course I was lagging behind the rest of the Stewart/Akers clan, because I still didn’t know how to tie my shoes. Next thing I know I go to the door to the garage, open it, and realize the garage door has already been shut. Too anyone else that might be a big deal, but to a six year old who is used to routine it is HUGE. So I shut the door, and make my way through the house screaming for my mom or anyone who can help me. 

No one was there.

They left me! They just drove off without realizing the youngest and most helpless kid was not present in the car!

So of course I did what any normal 6 year old would do. I went out the back door forgetting to unlock the lock and got locked out of the house. Luckily I had my blankie with me. So I curled up in a ball and cried. 

About three minutes later the van can speeding up the drive way everyone pouring out looking for me. When they found me they gave me hugs and kisses and said how sorry they were.

Okay so that last part was a lie. It was more like Jamie get in the car we have to go to school! I said no way and made my mom let me go to work with her.

The moral to the story is you have to keep up with the world or you will get left behind.

It is funny how fast things change.

  That is me when I was six years old.

It is so crazy to think that 728 days ago I was sitting on the front row at the Dashboard Confessionals concert, screaming at the top of my lungs because I got to touch Chris Carraba’s hand. 728 days ago Alissa and I got lost for hours on our way home from Nashville,  because we were still kids and had no clue where we were going.  But we had fun going there. 728 days ago Elizabeth Duke called me and asked if she could ride with me to the Though A Glass concert that friday night. 728 days ago I saw Nathan at the Dashboard concert, I asked him if we could ride to the show with him, he said totally!, and then he said to me “I got to see Dashboard play, my life is complete now.” Who would have known that 730 days would make that statement so real.

730 days ago I woke up early to go help with VBS and excited to be going to the show tonight. We were running late and the traffic at Beech only made us go slower. We got to the church. Then we were on our way to the skating rink. Today was going to be a good day. It was. Riding in a van with 8 screaming little girls is fun. I got them to be quiet when my phone rang, it was Ben Carlson (random). He sounded like he just woke up, and i was as cheery as anyone would be on the way to the skating rink at nine in the morn. He asked me “you haven’t heard?” I said “heard what” 

“nathan got in a car wreck” “o whatever ben, that isn’t funny” “no jamie, listen, he didn’t make it.” 

The ringing noise in my ear made my head feel like it was going to explode, I looked out the window and all the cars stopped, birds stopped in mid air, I couldn’t hear anything except my phone hitting the floor of the van.

Silence.

Next thing I know all the little girls in the van are crying because they think my dog died. I can’t stop screaming. When we get to the skating rink I fall out of the van onto the pavement. I slowly crawl to the curb, and vomit out my barely digested breakfast. I curl up into a fetal position, and it isn’t till I hear my friends around me asking what is wrong that I realize that they haven’t heard yet.

Alissa is now on the ground with me. Sobbing. Having no clue what happens next. 

I don’t remember how I got there, or who was there, but I was sitting in the pews, of the sanctuary at church looking up at Jesus. All I can remember is how mad I was. I have never felt that kind of anger before, especially towards God. And I  pray that I never have to feel it again.

I called Elizabeth to tell her we couldn’t ride to the show with Nathan anymore. 

The rest of the day seemed surreal. Everyone seemed to be in the same state of confusion, not knowing what to do, or where to go. 

Still, to this day, on this day, the confusion sets in again. And when I tell myself, that it did happen, and it was true, I still find it as hard to believe today as I did 730 days ago.